The final battle of Zion, told by a fool
by richard the pedantic
Summary: My first, feeble attempt at a parody. Please read, review, judge, laugh, flame, whatever. (COMPLETE)
1. The misadventures of Pencil

Welcome one and all, well knowing my luck it'll probably be more likely to be one, probably.  
  
Don't think that this has been done before, if it has, sorry to whomever for stealing your idea.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Matrix and even if I did I still wouldn't own it.  
  
****************/*********************************/*-*********/*****  
  
The final battle of Zion, told by a fool  
  
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M  
  
AIN HALL, when the kid buggers over, spilling bullets all over the floor.  
  
Mifune: What the shit is going on over here?  
  
Kid: An accident, sir. I didn't see . . . sorry.  
  
Mifune: Who the hell are you?  
  
Kid: Unit volunteer, ma'am.  
  
Mifune: I'm a man fuckwit!  
  
Kid: Sorry.  
  
Mifune: What's a pod born, pencil doing volunteering for my corps?  
  
Kid: I'm not a pencil.  
  
Mifune: You'll be what I tell you to be.  
  
Kid: 18  
  
Mifune: What?  
  
Kid: 'Kay, I'm 16.  
  
Mifune: I haven't asked you your age yet you stupid urchin!  
  
Kid: Why do you want to know how old I am?  
  
Mifune: Quiet pencil!   
  
(Picks up one of the fallen bullets and throws it across the room.)  
  
Kid: Give me a chance, sir. I won't let you down.  
  
Mifune: You're saying your lines to early. Listen to me Pencil, (throws another bullet across the room), hey, this is fun, (starts throwing bullets continuously. The kid gets scarred and runs away.)  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Technician: Seismics are predicting 22 minutes to breach.  
  
Lock: Can't help that we don't have any EMP's. They'll have to attack in waves. Concentrate our offence on the dickers. Order the AP unit to position.  
  
Technician: What's a 'dicker' sir?  
  
Lock: I said 'diggers'.  
  
Technician: No you didn't.  
  
Lock: (Looks shamefaced at the floor.)  
  
ZION DOCK:  
  
Mifune: Alright, this is it. Now you all know me. I'm the one who keeps spiking Zion's drinking water with laxatives…   
  
Random Soldier: Is that why Jack got dysentery?  
  
Mifune: Probably.  
  
Another Random Soldier: Are you Jesus?  
  
Mifune: For the last fucking time, no!  
  
Yet another random soldier: You look like Jesus.  
  
Mifune: (Raises huge APU gun and shoots the third soldier).  
  
Right, where was I? Ah yes, I'm gonna say this as simple as I can. If it's our time to die, it's our time. All I ask is, if we have to give these bastards our lives, we give them hell before we do!  
  
Once more, a random soldier: What 'bastards' are they?  
  
Mifune: The sentinels!  
  
The afore-mentioned random soldier: Sentinels? Where? AHHHHHH! (Runs backwards and out of sight.)  
  
Mifune: I'm working with idiots. Alright, the rest of you, follow me.  
  
SOMEWHERE IN THE ZION DOCK:  
  
Zee: I'm scared, Charra...  
  
Charra: I'm sure you are. I'm gonna make you a deal. You keep moving, I keep shooting.   
  
Zee: Deal. (Gets up and sprints away whilst whistling 'Birdie song'.)  
  
Charra: I DIDN'T MEAN NOW! GET BACK HERE!  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Officer Mattis: Breach, the dock is breached!  
  
  
  
ZION DOCK:  
  
Mifune: Buckle up! Fire!  
  
(Assorted shooting, all of the bullets ricochet off of the roof, creating yet more holes in it. One APU person gets hit on the head by a piece of falling plaster.)  
  
  
  
SOMEWHERE IN THE ZION DOCK:  
  
Charra: Shit. Come on, let's go. (Looks around), shit, I forgot she buggered off, where the hell is she?  
  
  
  
ZION DOCK:  
  
Mifune: Buckle up!   
  
(Lots of shooting, one person accidentally shoots himself whilst trying to see what the bullets do when they're not in flight.)  
  
APU fighter: Reload!  
  
APU (Armoured Personnel Unit) technician: Reload nine!  
  
Fighter: Go, go, move, move!  
  
Reloading person: We can't go out there, it's dangerous.  
  
APU (Armoured Personnel Unit) technician: Oh for the love of… (shoves Reloading person out of door, reloading person then gets decapitated by sentinels.)  
  
***  
  
Mifune: Buckle up, hull's gonna blow. Move on!  
  
(Sentinels flood in through the hole in the roof)  
  
Technician: Oh my God, it's a flood. (Technician dons a pair of goggles and some bright yellow flippers.)  
  
Technician: None can harm me whilst I have my enchanted swimwear and codpiece.  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Lock: Where the hell is my infantry? I want that Goddamn machine taken down.  
  
Officer Mattis: The infantry said that they wouldn't fight on account of it being the Sabbath.  
  
Lock: Oh for the love of, tell them that if they don't move their arses, I'll personally sing George Michael songs at them for a solid day.  
  
(The infantry soon gets moving.)  
  
SOMEWHERE IN THE ZION DOCK:  
  
Charra: Take this. (Fires rockets at digger's leg, which then collapses.)  
  
Zee: Oh shit!  
  
Charra: Oh so now you show up, what the fuck are you playing at?  
  
Zee: You told me to keep moving. On that note, (runs off again.)  
  
Charra: Hey! Get back here you little… (Runs after her.)  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Crew: Yeah!  
  
Officer Mattis: What we do with the breach point?  
  
Lock: You there (points at a random person), I order you to go eat the breach point!  
  
Random person: What!?  
  
Lock: You heard me, EAT IT!  
  
Random person: Uh, yes sir.  
  
SOMEWHERE IN THE ZION DOCK:  
  
Charra: Yeah. Got my beltback? Just gimme one clean shot... (Charra dangles over the digger.)  
  
Zee: Oh look, a penny! (Lets go of beltback).  
  
Charra: (Assorted screaming as she falls to her death.)  
  
Zee: Wait, that's not a penny. Charra? Where the hell is she?  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Technician: Commander Lock, I've got incoming!  
  
Lock: We got a dock full of incoming!  
  
Technician: Sorry sir, but this is different, sir.  
  
Lock: Meaning what?  
  
Technician: It went past that, sir.  
  
Lock: That's impossible.  
  
Technician: Holographics is trying to confirm, sir.  
  
Lock: Contact them, I want access codes.  
  
Technician: We tried sir, there's no response.  
  
Lock: You mean they're ignoring us? Rude bastards. You there! (Points to yet another person), go outside and shake your fist at them.  
  
Random person: What good will that do sir?  
  
Lock: Do it damn you! Or I'll start re-enacting scenes from 'Hedwig and the angry inch.'  
  
(Everyone gasps and the random person charges out of the door.)  
  
THE HAMMER  
  
Niobe: Four down, 30 degrees, 80 percent.  
  
Morpheus: 30 degrees 80.  
  
Niobe: Fore starboard, 60 degrees, 20 percent.  
  
Morpheus: 60 degrees.  
  
Niobe: Shit. Come on, keep up! And stop repeating what I say, it's getting annoying.  
  
Morpheus: 'Sniff', was that you?  
  
Niobe: No that was not me! (Takes hands off of piloting things to hit Morpheus and the hammer crashes into the side of the tunnel.)  
  
Niobe: My bad.  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Officer Mattis: Sir. Holographic confirms, it's the Hammer, sir.  
  
Lock: How can it be?  
  
Technician: The ship is under attack, sustaining heavy damage but under present velocity it will reach gate three in twelve minutes.  
  
Technician: Sir, their EMP can take out every sentinel out there.   
  
Lock: It can take out more than that, it'll wipe out our entire defence system, as well as the jukebox. If that goes then heads are gonna role. We blow the EMP system inside, they will lose the dock.  
  
Technician: Sir, we already lost the dock, and you smashed up the jukebox last week when someone stole the Smurf's Christmas album.  
  
Lock: Open the gate, in fact, open all the gates. When was the last time we did that?  
  
Technician: (Rocking back and forth), I'm a pretty girl, I'm a pretty girl.  
  
Lock: Oh this is hopeless.  
  
  
  
THE HAMMER  
  
Morpheus: There's the exit.  
  
Niobe: On my mark. Give me full power 90 degrees, low left starboard.  
  
Morpheus: Full power, 90 degrees.  
  
Niobe: Now.  
  
Niobe: That's port you moron!  
  
Morpheus: Stop yelling at me!  
  
(Hammer does the fancy looping thing.)  
  
Roland: Oh damn, woman, you can drive.  
  
Niobe: We ain't home yet. What about the gate?  
  
Morpheus: Several sentinels inside the dock, oooh, look at them fly.  
  
Niobe: (Shakes head in despair.)  
  
  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Lock: How many APU's in operation?  
  
Technician: 13, sir.  
  
Lock: Give me the one closest to gate 3.  
  
  
  
ZION DOCK:  
  
Mifune: (roaring) Reload!  
  
Technician: It's pacing metal. Go!  
  
Mifune: Watch out! They're coming.  
  
Kid: Eww!  
  
Mifune: I said coming, not cumming.(Author's note: incorrect spelling, probably)   
  
Kid: (Looks confused)  
  
Mifune: Behind you!  
  
(Kid pisses about with the bullets.)  
  
Kid: Jammed!  
  
Mifune: Forget it, Pencil, get out of here!  
  
Kid: Got it!  
  
Mifune: (roaring, assorted sentinels rip his face to shreds.)  
  
Kid: Captain Mifune... Oh, no...  
  
Mifune: They're coming, they're coming...The Hammer...  
  
Kid: What?  
  
Mifune: You'll have to open that gate, cut the counter weights... You can do it... Hurry... there's no time...  
  
Kid: Captain, I haven't finished the training program, I never even started it. The instructor told me that the only way I'd get to be in the corps was as a pin-up.  
  
Mifune: It was the same with me. (Dies)  
  
Kid: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!  
  
Everyone, sentinels and people included: Ah shut up!  
  
Kid: Sorry.  
  
To be continued, assuming I don't get a shit load of flames. Oh well, what can you do? 


	2. Great fun had by all

Thankings to all reviewing persons. Replies are at the end of the chapter, assuming that I remember, which I will, hopefully.  
  
Note: I don't own any of the NON-Matrix stuff I mention(ed) either. And i guess it has to be said, annoyingly, no offence intended to anyone. Honestly, it wasn't.  
  
SOMEWHERE IN THE ZION DOCK:  
  
(The kid is slowly lumbering towards the gate in Mifune's APU.)  
  
Kid: Keep my weight forward. Light as a feather, as a feather...   
  
  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Technician: Commander. Holographic reports. Captain Mifune's APU is up and moving to gate three.  
  
  
  
SOMEWHERE IN THE ZION DOCK:  
  
Kid: Don't over squeeze trigger... Hwoom...Whoosh!  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Technician: Captain Mifune's APU has just reached gate three.  
  
Lock: How much time?  
  
Technician: Two minutes to impact.  
  
Lock: Captain Mifune, do you copy?  
  
Technician: Captain Mifune is down, sir.  
  
Lock: This is Lock. I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can hear me...   
  
  
  
ZION DOCK:  
  
Lock's voice on the receiver: ...I'm not wearing any underwear. I have to tell someone, it's the most interesting thing I've done all year.  
  
(Sniggers from those around him are heard over the receiver.)  
  
Zee: Eew...  
  
  
  
THE HAMMER  
  
Roland: Get to the main deck, charge the EMP!  
  
  
  
ZION DOCK:  
  
(The kid's about to get torn to pieces by a sentinel when Zee shows up and frazzles it.)  
  
Zee: Do it, kid.  
  
Kid: Neo, I believe.  
  
(Shoots, counter weights break and the gate opens).  
  
Kid: What the? I did it! I did it! (APU starts flailing about randomly due to the Kid's celebratory dancing), I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!  
  
Zee: That's gate four you idiot.  
  
(Loud clunk from gate three.)  
  
Kid: Whoops.  
  
  
  
THE HAMMER   
  
Niobe: Shit...  
  
Morpheus: Why isn't the gate open?  
  
Niobe (To herself): We ain't come this far...  
  
Link: Almost home, almost home...  
  
(The Hammer reverses slightly, charges forward and smashes straight through the gate).  
  
Morpheus: Burn it, Link!  
  
Link: Right, (sets EMP control switch on fire and starts whistling to himself.)  
  
Morpheus: (To Niobe) Do you smell burning?  
  
Niobe: (Looks over her shoulder), Damn it Link, he didn't mean that literally!  
  
Link: Oh, sorry. (Flicks switch) AHHHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS US!  
  
Morpheus: You did it...  
  
Niobe: I did, didn't I?  
  
Morpheus: you're one hell of a pilot.  
  
Niobe: Some things in this world never change.  
  
Morpheus: But some things do.  
  
Niobe: Yeah, like when did you stop using deodorant? You smell like a goat Morpheus.  
  
  
  
ZION DOCK:  
  
Zee: Link!  
  
Link: Zee...?  
  
Zee: Link!  
  
Link: Zee!  
  
Zee: I knew you'd come, I knew it...  
  
Link: I made a promise ...  
  
Zee: You did wear it...  
  
Link: You kidding? I'm never gonna take it off...  
  
Zee: Thief! Thief in our midst!  
  
Link: What? What's wrong?  
  
Zee: Thief!  
  
(Everyone stares at Zee who runs off suddenly after taking her fancy beads back.)  
  
Link: Not again.  
  
  
  
A RANDOM ZION BASED PLACE:  
  
Lock: Three captains, one ship. I assume the other ships were lost under equally foolish and amusing circumstances?   
  
Niobe: Good to see you too, Jason.   
  
Lock: (Looks over his shoulder, not knowing that Jason is him.) The Council's waiting to hear an explanation. You'll forgive me for not attending, but I have to try to salvage this debacle.   
  
Roland: Did I miss something, Commander? I thought we just saved the dock.   
  
Lock: That's the problem with you people. You can't think five minutes in front of your face. That EMP knocked out almost every piece of hardware and in the dock, we've lost the jukebox, the floodlights, and all twelve mini-fridges. If I don't get this mess sorted out the P.T.A will eat me alive. Saved the dock, captain? You've just robbed it of it's soul.   
  
(Lock buggers off.)  
  
Niobe: Why the P.T.A  
  
Morpheus: The writer couldn't think of anything else.  
  
  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Lock: Get that cable cut! I want that system back online. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss Angel again.   
  
Technician: Commander, it's the dock. We've got incoming.   
  
(Yet more sentinels arrive).  
  
Lock: ARGH! BEASTS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!   
  
  
  
ZION DOCK:  
  
Technician: I stand by my belief that none can harm me in my enchanted swimwear and codpiece.  
  
(A sentinel grabs him by the leg and drops him from a great height.)  
  
Technician: My codpiece will save me! ( He is smashed to bits upon landing.)  
  
  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Technician: All clear.  
  
Lock: Do it.   
  
(The wrong tunnel explodes and fifteen people are crushed or incinerated)   
  
Another technician: What the? Steve! What the fuck is wrong with you?  
  
Steve: Sorry.  
  
ZION:  
  
Councillor Dillard: So you gave them your ship.  
  
Niobe: That is correct, Coucillor, I did.  
  
Councillor: Knowing what they planned to do with it?  
  
Councillor Hamann: And the Oracle said nothing of this.  
  
Niobe: She told me Neo would need my help and that I could either help him, or be stabbed through the heart with her kitchen knife there and then.   
  
Councillor West: That doesn't sound like the Oracle.  
  
Niobe: How would you know?  
  
Councillor West: Good point.  
  
Morpheus: Neo is doing what he believes he must do. I don't know if what he's doing is right, I don't know if he'll reach the machine city, and if he does, I don't know what he can do to save us. But I do know that as long as there is a single breath in his body, he will not give up and neither can we.  
  
Councillor Hamann: Very profound Morph…  
  
Morpheus: There is always hope, hope is what separates us from the machines, hope is what…  
  
Niobe: Shut up Morpheus.  
  
Morpheus: …keeps us alive. Without hope, we would…  
  
(Niobe pushes him over, Morpheus wisely keeps quiet).  
  
  
  
LOGOS:  
  
Trinity: Temperature's dropping. Here we go.  
  
Neo: We're over the fields.  
  
Trinity: How do you know that?  
  
Neo: I can feel them.  
  
(Trinity looks over to Neo and sees that he's dangling him arm out of the window and running his hand over the tops of the pods.)   
  
Neo: Over there... There's some eh... Can you see it, three lines...  
  
Trinity: Power lines.  
  
Neo: Follow them.  
  
  
  
ZION COMMAND:  
  
Woman: What are they doing?  
  
Technician: I don't know. Lieutenant?  
  
(The digger gets up and promptly buggers over again.)  
  
Random Sentinel: Shit  
  
(They try again, the digger fizzles slightly but stays on the floor).  
  
Random human: Here, let me. (Kicks digger. It miraculously springs to life).  
  
Random human: There we go, oh wait, maybe I shouldn't have (Sentinel rips his head off).  
  
Lock: (Shouting out of a window overlooking the dock) ARSEHOLE!   
  
Technician: What do we do now, Commander?  
  
Lock: Go out there are wave your fist at that man's corpse.  
  
Technician: What? The sentinels will rip me to shreds.  
  
Lock: (Starts singing 'My heart will go on' by Celine Dion')  
  
Technician: I'm going, I'm going!  
  
  
  
  
  
ZION:  
  
Lock: It's now a matter of time. The machines will breach the walls of the city. I recommend the Council to join the rest of the non-military personal inside the temple.   
  
Councillor: How long do we have?  
  
Lock: Two hours, maybe less. My men have begun fortifying the entrance with enough artillery to make our last stand. You should see it, it looks really cool, I even get my own seat from which to shout things. Beyond that, there's isn't anything more I can do.  
  
Councillor Dillard: Commander, do you think we that have any chance of surviving?  
  
Lock: If I were you, Councillor, I wouldn't ask me that question, I would ask him. (Points at Morpheus.)  
  
Councillor Dillard: Why?  
  
Lock: He hasn't said anything for a while.  
  
LOGOS:  
  
Neo: There. Those mountains. That's it.  
  
Trinity: Do you see what's out there?  
  
Neo: Yes, I mean no, sort of. It's hard to make anything out of this crazy orange goo.  
  
Trinity: If you tell me we'll make it, I'll believe you.  
  
Neo: We'll make it. We're the main characters. No harm can befall us.  
  
Trinity: You do know you're blind right?  
  
Neo: Hah! A piffling flesh wound.  
  
Trinity: Sentinels!  
  
Neo: Where?  
  
Trinity: Ooh... Gotcha!  
  
Trinity: Come on! Neo! I need help here!  
  
Neo: I can't beat them.  
  
Trinity: What do I do?  
  
Neo: Go up, over them. The sky... it's the only way.  
  
Trinity: Then up we go. Hey does this mean I'll get to see the sun? I've always wanted to do that.  
  
(The Logos flies above the clouds, its night time.)  
  
Trinity: Shit!  
  
Neo: Pump the igniter, the ship will start.   
  
Neo: Again, slowly.  
  
Neo: Now!  
  
Trinity: Noooo...  
  
(Logos crashes)  
  
(Authors note: Trinity's death scene is too moving and depressing to make fun of. Hence I just skipped that bit.)  
  
ZION:  
  
Lock: Get that damn thing mounted, I want to have a cup holder on my chair of wonders.  
  
Technician: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!  
  
Link: Neo, if you're going to do something, better do it quickly...  
  
  
  
ZERO ONE:  
  
(Deus Ex Machina appears in front of Neo, the small machines that double us as a face begin to fly around Neo, many of which crash into each other and explode. Those that are left form a crude, incomplete face.)   
  
Neo: I only have come to say what I want to say. After that you can do what you want, no one will try to stop you.  
  
Deus Ex Machina: Speak.  
  
Neo: I was speaking  
  
Deus Ex Machina: No you weren't  
  
Neo: If that's true, then I've made a mistake, and you should kill me now.  
  
Deus Ex Machina: As you wish.  
  
Neo: Wait! That's not right! Let me try this again.  
  
(After twelve failed attempts, Neo finally gets his speech right.)  
  
  
  
ZION:  
  
(Sentinels stop and stare at the human creatures.)  
  
Niobe: What are they doing? What are YOU doing?  
  
Lock: Morpheus!  
  
(Everyone stares at Morpheus who is mimicking Vincent Vega's dance from Pulp fiction).  
  
  
  
ZERO ONE:  
  
Deus Ex Machina: And if you fail?  
  
Neo: Fail? Me? The mighty and invincible Neo? (Falls over).   
  
  
  
ZION:  
  
Niobe: Neo?  
  
Morpheus: Where? Where? Damn it woman, stop getting my hopes up!  
  
Niobe: 'Sniggers'  
  
To be concluded.  
  
Replies:  
  
Cinn: You know, you're right, I know I've already said that in a review but I can't think of anything else to say. Thankings; and good luck with your writing ways.  
  
Agent Josey: Glad you liked it; I like death in a story. It makes me feel all warm inside. Except on the occasions when it doesn't.  
  
Angel-of-lightness/Naz/um, something else: Unless I'm mistaken, Hedwig and the angry inch is a musical about a botched sex change operation. It was on the100 worst, or was it greatest, yeah, it was greatest musical things. Anyway, glad you like it, and why do you think that we tire of thee.  
  
2.?   
  
Alocin: I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to face a horde of sentinels without some bright yellow flippers.  
  
Followthewhitering: Glad you like it, I probably should have said something similar before I started now that I think about it, oh well.  
  
Anyone else who reviewed whilst I wasn't looking: Thankings, I hope. 


	3. Everything that has a beginning, has a F...

Right, I think I'll start with some replies:  
  
Cinn: Thankings for your reviewing and enjoying ways. I can't think of anything else to say so I'll just write the first sentence of the reply backwards:  
  
Syaw gniyojne dna gniweiver ruoy rof sgniknahT  
  
Agent Josey: Nothing I say makes any sense, unless of course it does. Enjoy chapter three if you wish.  
  
Angel-of-lightness: I'm guessing that you're the evil one. Don't ask me why because as I said, I'm guessing.  
  
Geekgirl: Glad you enjoyed it, um, that's all I can think of to say. Let me think, ah yes, If you fall over too often then you'll be injured.  
  
Alocin: Indeed, it's just one of those things that is painful to picture. Thanks for reviewing.  
  
Chinchilla-in-a-bowl: I can indeed imagine the faces, all of which would look outraged and would soon demand their farthings back from the terrified cashiers.  
  
Followthewhitering: It's too late.  
  
Anyone I've forgotten: Sorry about that, thanks and so forth.  
  
Right, onwards and downwards…  
  
THE MATRIX, SOMEWHERE ON A STREET:  
  
(Neo walks down the street of Smith's, all of whom are staring and grinning deviously at him. Eventually, Smith/the Oracle steps out, wearing a bright pink apron with matching oven mitts and is holding a steaming tray of cookies.)  
  
Smith: Mr. Anderson welcome… (Realises what he's wearing/holding.) Shit, (frantically tears off the apron and mitts, he hands the scolding trey to another Smith who screams with pain and throws in into the air, it is promptly shot seconds afterwards by the closest hundred Smiths.)   
  
Smith: Right, where was I? Oh yes, Mr. Anderson, welcome back, we missed you. Do you like what I've done with the place?  
  
Neo: It ends tonight.  
  
Smith: I know it does, I've seen it. Unlike you Mr. Anderson I pay attention to my horoscope, and adjust my schedule according to, uh, the astrology related things. Well you know what I mean.  
  
Neo: We're on the clock here, Stargate's on in half an hour.  
  
Smith: Is it? Shit! We'd best not waste any time. Hang on a second, should we synchronise watches?  
  
Neo: Why?  
  
Smith: I don't know, I've always wanted to do that, it looks so cool.  
  
Neo: Oh alright. (He and Smith piss about for twelve minutes trying to get their watches on the exact same time.)  
  
Smith: Right, wait, back a bit, too far! Too far! Wait; that… Perfect! That was fun, now, to business.  
  
(Long big punch up, after a few minutes, Neo and Smith wind up in the big hole in the floor.)  
  
Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson, why? Why? Why do you do it? Why? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something, for more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom, or truth, perhaps Frisbees? Could it be for Calcium? Illusions, Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception, temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to convince itself that the puss ridden vessel it lurks in has healthy teeth and bones. And all of them are as flimsy as the Matrix itself, especially if you're a celebrity. Although... Only a human mind can invent something as insipid as a Frisbee, an amusing twirling disc, A.I's are above such things. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson, you must know it by now. You can't save the Frisbees any more then you can save your teeth. Either by my fist or the slow decay of time they are going to fall out, it is pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson, why, why you persist? (I don't own LOTR either.)  
  
Neo: Because I like Frisbees.  
  
Smith: You...  
  
Smith: This is my world! My world! AND I SHALL BURN ALL FRISBEE'S!  
  
(Neo falls over)  
  
Smith: Wait... I've seen this... This is it, this is the end. Yes... You're laying right there, just like that. And I..., I..., I stand here, right here. I'm supposed to say something... I say... Everything that has a beginning has an end, Neo... What? What did I just say? (A look of fear suddenly crosses his face as Neo gets up), No... no... This isn't right, this can't be right. Get away from me!  
  
Neo: What are you afraid of?  
  
(Neo looks over his shoulder and sees a huge tarantula crawling towards Smith).  
  
Neo: About time, where the hell have you been?  
  
Tarantula: Sorry, I was constipated.  
  
Smith: Eek!  
  
Neo: Smith, meet Eddie, Eddie, this is Smith.   
  
Eddie: Hi.  
  
Smith: ARGH! (Tries to claw his way out of the hole but keeps loosing his grip on the slippery debris.)  
  
Smith: Oh no, no, no... It's not fair...  
  
Neo: You were right Smith, you were always right, it is inevitable.  
  
Smith: Quiet you! (Pegs Neo on the head with a rock, Neo gets knocked out. Eddie bites Smith and for some unexplainable but convenient reason, all the Smith's explode.)  
  
  
  
ZERO ONE:  
  
Deus Ex Machina: Hooray for Blindey! As well as his trusty arachnid!  
  
ZION:  
  
(The sentinels begin to bugger off.)  
  
Technician: It doesn't make sense.  
  
Morpheus: He did it.  
  
Kid: He saved us, he saved us. It's over, he did it, he did it, he did it, it's over, it's over, he did it, he did it!  
  
Councillor Hamann: What is it Pencil? What happened?  
  
Kid: Sir, he did it, sir, Neo, he did it!  
  
Councillor Hamann: Did what?!  
  
Kid: He ended the war, the machines are gone! The war is over, sir, the war is over! Zion! Zion! Zion, it's over, it's over, the war is over, the war is over!  
  
(Someone rolls their eyes and torches the kid with one of those fancy blue Elecricity gun like things, (ah the joys of a wide vocabulary), anyway, the shooter is praised and had a national holiday named after him; 'Weller day'.  
  
Morpheus: I imaginged this moment so long. Is this real? Or am I just hallucinating due to   
  
Niobe: Neo. Thank you.  
  
  
  
THE MATRIX, SOMEWHERE ON A SIDEWALK:  
  
Black cat (Like the black cat in Neo's deja vu in Matrix 1): They said that I'd get more then one line in Revolutions but did I? Did I fuck!  
  
Sati: Good morning.  
  
Black Cat: Bah! Conversing with an infant, you'll never get an intelligible response.  
  
Eddie: You think you've got problems, I had to scurry through that line of Smith's earlier, any one of which could have squished me, and I didn't even get hazard pay!  
  
Black Cat: My heart bleeds for you.  
  
  
  
THE MATRIX, SOMEWHERE IN A PARK:  
  
(The Architect appears)  
  
Oracle: Well now, ain't this a surprise.  
  
The Architect: You played a very dangerous game.  
  
Oracle: Change always is.  
  
The Architect: Just how long do you think this peace is going to last?  
  
Oracle: As long as it can. What about the others?  
  
The Architect: What others?  
  
Oracle: The members of the 'Smith' fan club, they'll be devastated.  
  
The Architect: They'll be distracted with shiny things until we can get them addicted to tranquillisers.   
  
Oracle: I have your word?  
  
The Architect: What do you think I am? A pretzel?  
  
Sati: Oracle! We were afraid we might never find you. We got lost and Seraph refused to ask for directions  
  
Seraph: She's lying!  
  
Oracle: Everything is ok now.  
  
Sati: Look, look!  
  
(The Oracle stares at the sun, only to be temporarily blinded by it. Serves her right, you shouldn't stare at the sun, that's just foolish.)  
  
Oracle: ARGH! What the Hell is wrong with you Sati?!  
  
Sati: (Devious laughing).  
  
Oracle: Git.  
  
Sati: Will we ever see Neo again?  
  
Oracle: I suspect so, when he finally claws his way out of that hole.  
  
(Meanwhile, Neo is trying desperately to climb out of the hole he and Smith fell in, he keeps falling back in however.)  
  
Seraph: Did you always know?  
  
Oracle: Oh no... No, I didn't. I .   
  
And that's that. Hope you enjoyed this, assorted thankings to reviewers, so on and so forth. 


End file.
